I saw the doc and he told me that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. He told me that I would probably be nicer to an abused dog than I am to myself. I had to think about that.

I went to physical therapy the other day and I was asked to do an exercise that put me in an embarrassing position. I started crying, and couldn't understand it. I had to get up and the therapist asked me if I needed to talk. I said yes, and went into another room with her. I told her that I was really really sorry but I couldn't do that exercise because it gave me flashbacks of the rape. I know she was sad for me, and I was so embarrassed I just wanted to fall into a hole in the ground.

I told the doc about this, and he told me that it was a flashback that happened, and that it was a normal part of ptsd. I told him I was so upset that I wanted to cut and run and not go back to p.t. He said I could do that if I wanted to, but that part of being good to me would be to explain the problem to the therapist and let her know. I told him I already did that. He said it was up to me, then, if I wanted to go back or not. I thought about it and I will try going back tomorrow, but I am still very embarrassed and ashamed. He told me that there is no shame in the fact that I had a flashback, and that I should be loving to myself.

That is one of the hardest things. I look back on my life and kind of re-index my memories. I told him I was so sad that I didn't go see a doctor a long time ago, but that I was afraid that if I told any doctor about my problems, someone would have tried to take my kids away from me. That was a shocking admission, and it feels good to be able to finally say that. If there wasn't such a stigma in mental illness, more people would be willing to get help.

My body feels like a log and my mind isn't very sharp. I feel hung over from the extra meds the doc prescribed. I see him on Tuesday and I hope by then I am either adjusted to the new dose, or that I can get off this crap. I tried to talk to my husband about how I feel, but I get tired and exhausted just trying to explain it. I was imagining that he was mad at me for being incoherent - or not logical. But it's just me, I'm pretty sure. I'm just angry that I have to go through any of this. I'm fighting with myself daily to try to find a constructive way through this. God help me, I'm so tired. I hope I can see something positive come out of this.

Yesterday I went to the shrink. He told me that when I was a child I probably had dissociative disorder of some sort. I think there was another word in there, but I can't remember it. Then he said I have post traumatic stress disorder. He rocked my world. I need to think and I'm using this blog for it. I've done a lot of my own work in this area, but I'm still having a lot of trouble with anger. I try to commit it to God.

I learned that my amnesia may have been brought on by more than my car accident. I might have created different personae for myself to protect myself. When I felt far away and disconnected from my own body, I might have been experiencing some other mental disorder.

Can I just say? To Hell with that! How can someone listen to me describe what I went through and then, based on a 30 minute conversation, tell me that I had this or that?

I believe that p.t.s.d. thing. But I don't believe the other. Period.

Now the question is what do I do with this information? There is so much shame and prejudice about going to the shrink. I can't really talk to ANYONE about this. So I'm hiding in a blog and trying to let myself risk talking to strangers about something they probably don't give a damn about. I'm pathetic.